Invisible

Do you ever feel invisible, or like you might as well be? Like everything you do, feel, say is just not seen or heard by anyone? Or if they do hear you or see you they just don’t get it, not really, or understand it?

That’s what it’s like having a chronic pain disease, and Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), and anxiety, and many other health problems. We don’t “look” sick or sad. We’re not on crutches or in a wheel chair so how can we be in pain – nothing’s broken, we haven’t been injured, there’s been no accident. Because people can’t “see” what’s causing the pain they don’t understand – or believe it.

It’s the same way with MDD. We’re doing our thing, washing the dishes, buying the groceries, we even smiled or shared something funny on social media, so how can we be sad or depressed? Because we’re good at hiding it after a while.

The thing is, the media doesn’t help. They pay actors/actresses to advertise all these different medications, and the commercials show these meds working miracles. The people are playing ball, coaching sports, out doing all these things, but the reality is most of the medications barely take the edge off the pain, and the side effects actually make things worse. They cause other problems, requiring another medication, with more side effects, and before you know it what started as one pain disease is now three with a side of depression, insomnia, weight gain, chronic fatigue syndrome, and for some of us Chronic migraines.

I started out in mid 2016 with a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and arthralgia (arthritis). Here came the Cymbalta. I was already on Gabapentin since 2006 for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and enlarged nerves in both my wrists. By the end of 2017 I had a diagnosis of MDD, anxiety, and insomnia. Here came more meds – an antidepressant for the MDD, another one for the insomnia (also a strong antidepressant). By mid 2018 the migraines started. The specialist prescribed another med to help limit the intensity and frequency. Then came blackouts and falls, and migraines that sent me to the ER – multiple times. Another specialist and more meds (I’m up to 6 at this point). Then in 2019 came the heat allergy – yes, a heat allergy. I couldn’t wash dishes, or take a shower, or even be outside for any length of time without breaking out in hives. I literally had to take Benadryl to take a shower.

By that point I was unable to drive because, well, I could pass out or black out at any point without much warning. Not that I cared to leave the house much. I was a functioning zombie. I dealt with it until the end of 2019 and had had enough. I started out 2020 weaning myself off the meds. I just couldn’t do it anymore. By fall of last year they were gone, I was med free and working on building myself back up. I worked on the things the doctors recommended for the MDD, started using a bicycle machine for low impact exercise, doing Yoga for Fibro patients, and meditating – a LOT of meditating. I found some for insomnia so I could start sleeping again. It’s a battle, and I still have a long way to go, but I’ve come a long way too. I have to remind myself of that from time to time. The pain is still there, but the heat allergy is gone, the migraines have mostly subsided; they’re mostly just nasty headaches now, and the blackouts are gone. I still have bad days, especially when the weather takes a major shift, bad storms roll through, or the temperature suddenly drops, but I can usually feel them coming and plan accordingly.

The thing is, it seems like since I’m learning to manage it, and push through the pain, that those around me have forgotten I still have these diseases. They didn’t go away, just most of the nasty side effects. I still have Fibromyalgia, and arthritis, and Chronic Fatigue, and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and anxiety, and MDD. I don’t do crowds. I don’t leave my house unless I have to. The lockdown during 2020 didn’t phase me at all, seriously. I go to the grocery store once a week and I’ve learned which days and times are the least busy; that’s when I go.

But I’ve lost the sense of pride I had in getting off the meds and taking my life back, because those off days…I feel lazy again. I feel like I’m letting my family down again because I was in too much pain to do my normal cleaning, or I took shortcuts on dinner because I just wasn’t feeling up to it. I do my best to hide it and smile because I have a toddler that senses everything – if I’m hurting, if I’m sad, if I’m beating myself up inside over something I forgot or haven’t done, he’s right there asking “mommy, what’s wrong?” So I smile for him. I’ve learned to hide it for him, because I can’t bare the thought of him being sad because of me. In all honesty, he’s the inspiration, what gave me the strength to go off all my meds and to work as hard as I have been. He’s what gets me out of bed every morning. He’s the reason I hide the tears; he’s the reason I grin and bare it. He’s the reason I’m invisible.

My go-to guided meditation: Michael Sealey on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/c/MichaelSealey

Some Therapy tips: https://www.essenceofhealingcounseling.com/using-positive-affirmations-to-combat-anxiety-and-depression/

Some things don’t change much…old draft from last year

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything. I’m not sure where to start. There’s so many things going on in my mind; so many thoughts, emotions, frustrations, questions; so much confusion. It’s hard to sort it all out sometimes.

I question myself with much of it. Do I really feel this way or is it hormones, or am I just momentarily annoyed? Will I still feel this way in an hour, 3 hours, tomorrow, or will it go fleeting away in a few minutes? Am I just overreacting or are my feelings/thoughts justified? Chaos. I think it’s just mental chaos.

No matter how long it been, for some reason I have this issue with taking time for myself, doing things for me – that’s just for me. Taking time to just sit and write or read a book; taking time for a long bath if it’s not physically necessary for arthritis or fibromyalgia pain; taking time for my own projects or to work on my dreams. I only seem to be able to spend time on things that are for others; that will make them happy, make them smile, make their life easier and/or more enjoyable, things that they need. I don’t know for sure why it is, but it has always been that way. I know it shouldn’t be; I know about self care; I know I need to take a certain amount of time out each day for me, for my mental and physical well being; but it doesn’t change the fact that for some insane reason I feel guilty anytime I try to. I feel like I’m neglecting my family, like I’m being lazy and selfish.

I know part of it at least is tied to my depression and the Fibromyalgia. They’re all intertwined, and I swear they feed off each other. I get a little depressed and the Fibro flares and I start feeling bad about myself because I “let it happen” as I tell myself in my head, which only makes everything worse. It’s a vicious cycle, and one I’ve done well the last couple months to stay out of, but I feel myself slowly slipping back there. I guess I just feel sometimes like my life isn’t my own – like I’m living it for everyone else. I’m here; every single day is the same. Change the diapers, cook the food, drive someone to work, go pick them up from work, do the dishes, make the bed, sweep the floors, mop the floors, do the laundry, pay the bills, solve everyone else’s problems after you listen to them. Stop listening and helping equals pettiness and drama and/or losing said person/people from your life. Don’t do the other tasks and the work just piles up and is three times as bad the next day. Not to mention the baby has to be taken care of and fed.

At some point there needs to be sleep, but I think I’m subconsciously avoiding going to bed because I know how much I hurt when I wake up; a lovely combination of the weather, my disease, arthritis, depression, and some stress all rolled into one. Once I’m up and around I’m okay; it’s the getting up and getting the pain under control that’s the problem.

All in all my mind is about my worst enemy. I have a good life. My husband is amazing. I have good kids, and an adorable little boy that I love more than my own life. He is the center of my world, and what keeps me going most every day. But there are days that I just wish there was a little time I could steal away for my own, to do things aside from the day to day chores and responsibilities. Some time to work on my business, my hobbies. I need to learn to do just that. Take the time for me. I have to get better at understanding that, because I need it. It’s not so much a want anymore. If I don’t I know the depression is going to take over again.

Life of a menopausal mom

Do you ever get so caught up in the day to day that you completely lose track of just how much time has actually gone by? Like you sit down and finally stop to realize “wow, it’s been a year since I picked up the phone and called Aunt Louise?!” or “it’s seriously only six months until Christmas again?!” Yeah, that. That is what has been happening in my life lately…well, for the last year and a half really. I look at the calendar and it’s May, before I know it it’s Halloween, then it’s Christmas, then it’s Easter, then there’s a pandemic, now there’s still a pandemic and it’s almost Halloween again… and I still haven’t called Aunt Louise!! Apparently this happens in menopause, and when you’re raising toddlers. I vaguely remember it from twenty years ago.

I just carry a note pad around the house now. The notes app in my phone is useless – I forget to use it – and to set the reminders. I guess I’m just too old school for that part of the smart phone. I have to physically write it for my brain to process the remembering part; typing doesn’t seem to count. I don’t think it’s all old age, I mean, I’m not like old old. I think it’s brain overload. Raising a toddler at almost 50 is tiring both physically and mentally, then add in normal housework, running an at home business, being your husband’s bookkeeper, dealing with health issues, trying to garden and can and well… it takes a toll. The brain is just full, and tired, and I think after a certain point in the day it simply says “nope, I’m done” and shuts itself off. From there I’m just sorta on autopilot. Which is why I end up with no concept of how many weeks or months end up floating by with no contact with the outside world other those immediate people that contact me.

But Little Man is my best helper. He’s there for the laundry with the clothes pins, pushing the laundry basket, and even helping put his laundry away now. He tries his best to help dust, wash windows, mop, whatever the task may be. It may take twice as long, but at least he’s willing to try and it’s a whole lot more fun and definitely entertaining! This is my life now, bubbly floors, soapy windows, Avon orders, washable crayons, still canning and dehydrating, and loving life with my little man that’s keeping me moving ❤

Until next time, The Green Lady

The New Normal isn’t so normal…

I keep hearing people talking about this new normal. Well, I’m not finding it so “normal”. Are you?

This week is a fine example. Talking to the college for my son. As some of you know he’s on the “spectrum” for Autism. Instead of discussing a campus visit, possible course load, tuition, applications, the “normal” the discussion is about masks, staggard move ins, social distancing, sanitizing stations, distance exams, etc…?!?! Wait…what??? The list of required supplies now includes: Masks (at least 2 reusable), hand sanitizer, disinfectant spray, disinfectant cleaners for the dorms, OTC pain relievers/fever reducers, a good thermometer for temperature checks, etc etc. Is he going to college or a third world country mission trip??? NONE of that is normal!!

As if that isn’t enough, I take the two year old for his two year check up – 2 months late due to … you guessed it, Covid 19. We only get through the first door and sure enough temperature check and masks, and of course, hand sanitizer. Have you tried sanitizing a two year olds hands?? Try to keep it out of their mouth, while making them stand on the 6 feet away circle. Go ahead, i’ll wait. Still waiting… Exactly. Let’s not even discuss filling out that cute little form and the waiting room. Heads up CDC and governors: 2 year olds do not social distance. They don’t care what you say or think. They’re going to hug that other little kid to say hello. It’s just what they do. They don’t care about distancing and pandemics, they don’t care about race or color, or religion. They only care that there’s another little kid of somewhat equal size in that room that appears to have a similar interest and they’re going in.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was proud of my two year old. I didn’t give a rat’s butt about that form either. I had put on the stupid mask, and sanitized my hands. I sat smiling behind the mask and simply said “remember to take turns little man” as he trucked on over saying “hello” and started talking  away to the other little kids, holding up his little fist to bump the little boy then hug the little girl sitting in the chair before he proceeded on to the frog on the wall with the other little girl. As a side note that I found interesting, he bypassed the little white boy sitting to the side with his dad staring at the other kids in an unfriendly manner and went to the play area. Kids don’t see color. They see beyond it. They see people. They see what’s inside. He saw friends, common ground. He fist bumped the little boy because the guys in his life do that with him and his dad.

Kids pick up on what they hear and see from the adults in their life. He sees everyone being treated the same no matter the color or race so he doesn’t pay any attention, doesn’t notice a difference, just if you’re a boy or girl. But boy, did I get some nasty and shocked looks!!! It wasn’t like that 8 months ago when I was there. So not normal. I now have people whispering about my motives and reasonings for smiling at non-white people of all things! What the hell is that about??  I smile at everyone and say hello or hi. Always have! I’ve always been of the mindset that you don’t know what someone may be going through, and a simple smile may be the one bright spot in their day. I’ve had it be that in mine. I’ve had a smile from a stranger change my entire day before. So no, there’s NOTHING NORMAL about that.

What do you think of this new normal? What is it like where you live? Are parks and playgrounds open?

 

 

Where has all the laughter gone, the humor, the fun?

Where have all the friendships gone, the jokes, the sun?

Everyone is angry, intollerance abounds.

Everyone’s in a mask, waving signs, speaks in a shout.

No one wants to hear you. There’s is the only right way.

Agree with them completely, You have nothing to say.

The skys are always grey, rain’s always coming down.

Everywhere I turn most everyone’s wearing a frown.

What’s happened to society, where have ethics gone?

What happened to morals and dignity, what happened to right and wrong?

Face the challenges we’re given, play the hand we’re dealt. Don’t pass the blame along .

 

Winding Roads…

I sometimes feel like my emotions and moods are taking me down a winding mountain road. Around one bend is happiness, smiles, and giggles, but around the next… it’s sadness, depression, feeling lost, unworthy; it seems like this road will never end.

For days on end I can be fine, yet others is that twisty road. There’s no rhyme or reason; sometimes it can be a comment or tone that triggers it, and yet other times – nothing at all, it just is. Still others a comment may trigger self reflection, then self doubt, and then it may go as far as questioning if those around me would be better off – more at ease and at peace – if I went away, lived somewhere else, where I wasn’t upsetting them. It’s rare that it gets that far anymore, but when the mood is right it happens.

I know it’s the depression and PTSD causing it all, but there’s still that little place in my mind that wonders, is it really that, or is it something else? Is this just me? It’s happening less as I’m working my way through all the demons, scars, and happenings that have been locked away for so long, not dealt with, but I never imagined it would take so long. I guess that’s what happens when life doesn’t give you time to catch up, it just keeps throwing more at you to deal with. As you work through it you start noticing things about yourself, see yourself changing. You eventually realize you’re not the person you used to be. You’re not the person those things happened to. Then you find yourself having to get to know the person you have become. In my case I’m learning that I’m even more untrusting than I was before. At times I even feel numb or cold, like I’ve forgotten how to open up or care of love. But I’ve realized that it’s not that I’ve forgotten how, it’s that I’m so guarded. I don’t trust anyone – like seriously no one. I doubt everyone’s motives and intentions, what they say, their sincerety, everything. It’s even worse with people that have broke my trust before. They may be completely sincere and totally honest, but to me I can’t trust them, and I’m not sure how they will ever prove to me that I can right now.

I’m just ready to not question myself anymore. Not second guess my abilities as a parent, as a friend, as a wife. I’m tired of asking myself if it’s me or the disease. I’m tired of taking things so personally; but when you literally question and doubt everything about yourself anyways everything is personal. Even when you know that the words are coming from an angry narcissist trying to hurt you – it’s still personal, because it’s triggering old wounds, tearing scabs off where it was almost healed, making that wound bigger and deaper, leaving a hole that may never completely heal. I know the reason, I know the intent and that its mostly not true, but when those words hit that nerve like a dagger, there’s nothing you can do. Those words can’t be unheard or unread; The damage is already done. All I can do now is remove that person from my life as much as possible, pull on my training to get through it, put my walls back up, at least for a while, and keep  reminding myself that I rose above it before, and I will do it again.

I’m still here…

Hello dear ones. I apologize for my absense. Life came along and took over, in the form of an adorable toddler, and then my diseases, along with the holidays, and tragically…the death of our dearly loved Grandfather right before Thanksgiving.

The holidays just  weren’t the same as you can imagine, as they’ve always been centered around Grandpa, so losing him two days before a significant one, well, it was more going through the motions to say we did it than anything. It’s been an endless stream of family members we haven’t seen since Grandma passed five years ago popping in and out, voicing opinions, collecting their pieces, and leaving mom and us to deal with the important nitty gritty stuff, while trying to deal with the loss, and continue with our daily lives.

The thing is – you can’t truly begin to heal from the loss until all of the other stuff is settled. There’s just too many reminders. You’re going through photos, sorting out belongings, going through literally every aspect of the persons life; old memories come back, new things are often learned, and your emotions are kept raw and at the surface until it’s finished. It’s easier for some, for those that live far away, because they can come into town, give their respects, swap some stories, and go home and begin the healing process; but for those that are here, that are hands on dealing with every aspect of it, well, it’s a whole different story; A very emotional, painful story.

So that’s been a big chunk of my last few months; along with an arthritis flare up, a fibro flare up, and now we’ve added Acid Reflux to the mix. My Osteo Arthritis is progressing it seems in my hands/thumb area, and in my knee. My hands were out of service for a couple weeks. And now my grandson we’re raising has hit the point of being very active and turning into a true monkey! There’s nothing he won’t climb and nothing he is afraid of…a dangerous combination at 22 months. Needless to say, I don’t have a lot of free time, especially while trying to run a business.

Frankly, I  think I’ve been too mentally tired to think or form proper sentences lately, as my sleep habits have been deplorable. My insomnia has really been kicking up as well. Mentally I’m exhausted, but I just cant seem to wind down and turn off my brain to go to sleep. If I could stay on one thought long enough I could  get some writing done, but I can’t even do that, my thoughts just jump all over the place.

But bare with me, I’m working on it! Feel free to share  your stories and experiences with any of this too. It’s always nice to know you’re not alone!

Until next time,

The GreenLady

Torn

I always follow my instincts, they never steer me wrong. Over the years I’ve learned to listen when that inner voice gets loud and strong. It’s not always easy, especially where the heart’s concerned. It make’s you soft and sympathetic, and forget the lessons you’ve learned. You don’t see the flags and heed the warnings, you put past pain and troubles aside; you give chances that aren’t warranted, you let all your concerns slide. 

When the heart’s involved you turn a half blind eye and open yourself up yet again; you hold the door stand and pray that pain and sorrow aren’t walking in. But your gut instinct is telling you different, you feel it deep in your bones. Your head is screaming at you every time you’re alone. It’s reminding you of the warning you were given weeks ago. It’s replaying in your mind like a broken radio.  

So what do you do? Which way do you act? i wish i didn’t have to act at all. Do you let them in, do you take the step back, or do you just curl up in the corner in a ball? I have to make a decision so the corner ball is out. So I guess i’ll go with my heart this last time and see if change has really come about.  

 

Messages…

I’ll compromise and work with you, I’ll put my dreams on hold to make yours come true. I’ll work day and night, hard as I can, but I won’t lose myself, for anyone, again.

See, it’s taken far too long to find me. I wasn’t sure I was even still here. I’ve had to put the parts back together, and some are still not fitting quite clear. There’s a lot of broken pieces, chipped edges and corners, cracks and fractures. It would be so much easier just to fall back to where I was than to keep fighting and working on this puzzle that is me; I’m so tired, but I’ve come too far and worked too hard to get to where I am to turn back now. 

 

 

Love and hate in ER Custody

What do you do when you’re totally trapped between your head and your heart? I’m so much better at giving advice and helping other people than I am at helping myself. I’m even better at this kind of stuff when it’s more petty things like friends or ignorant confused adults, but this time it’s serious. This time guys and girls it’s my flesh and blood. I’m hearing every word my brain is telling me, and I know it’s right, but at the same time I’m hearing everything my heart is telling me too, and as a mom I just somehow can’t seem to tune it out either, even knowing how badly my heart is almost certainly going to break again.

Now that I’ve typed it out I feel so stupid too. What is wrong with me? Is it just being a mom that’s making me so crazy? Is it raising my grandson? Maybe there is some residual guilt there that I hadn’t realized? Or is it simply because of hearing those hurtful words from her so much this week? Listening to the “I hate you’s” and the “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you’s”. I just feel like I have too many raw emotions of my own to make any decision right now, least of all one that could have any affect on my grandson or his relationship with any of us. He’s the most important thing in any of this. He always has been.

I feel like my whole purpose in breathing right now is for him, to keep him safe and to see him smile, just like it was for her and my other children. Somehow I lost her along the way, and it now it seems to have become her mission to break my heart as many times as she can. But I think I’ve answered my own question, as best as I’m going to be able to anyway.

Don’t be afraid to comment on this. Give me your thoughts and opinions. Outside perspectives are often very helpful.

Brightest Blessings,

The GreenLady.