Do you ever feel invisible, or like you might as well be? Like everything you do, feel, say is just not seen or heard by anyone? Or if they do hear you or see you they just don’t get it, not really, or understand it?
That’s what it’s like having a chronic pain disease, and Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), and anxiety, and many other health problems. We don’t “look” sick or sad. We’re not on crutches or in a wheel chair so how can we be in pain – nothing’s broken, we haven’t been injured, there’s been no accident. Because people can’t “see” what’s causing the pain they don’t understand – or believe it.
It’s the same way with MDD. We’re doing our thing, washing the dishes, buying the groceries, we even smiled or shared something funny on social media, so how can we be sad or depressed? Because we’re good at hiding it after a while.
The thing is, the media doesn’t help. They pay actors/actresses to advertise all these different medications, and the commercials show these meds working miracles. The people are playing ball, coaching sports, out doing all these things, but the reality is most of the medications barely take the edge off the pain, and the side effects actually make things worse. They cause other problems, requiring another medication, with more side effects, and before you know it what started as one pain disease is now three with a side of depression, insomnia, weight gain, chronic fatigue syndrome, and for some of us Chronic migraines.
I started out in mid 2016 with a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and arthralgia (arthritis). Here came the Cymbalta. I was already on Gabapentin since 2006 for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and enlarged nerves in both my wrists. By the end of 2017 I had a diagnosis of MDD, anxiety, and insomnia. Here came more meds – an antidepressant for the MDD, another one for the insomnia (also a strong antidepressant). By mid 2018 the migraines started. The specialist prescribed another med to help limit the intensity and frequency. Then came blackouts and falls, and migraines that sent me to the ER – multiple times. Another specialist and more meds (I’m up to 6 at this point). Then in 2019 came the heat allergy – yes, a heat allergy. I couldn’t wash dishes, or take a shower, or even be outside for any length of time without breaking out in hives. I literally had to take Benadryl to take a shower.
By that point I was unable to drive because, well, I could pass out or black out at any point without much warning. Not that I cared to leave the house much. I was a functioning zombie. I dealt with it until the end of 2019 and had had enough. I started out 2020 weaning myself off the meds. I just couldn’t do it anymore. By fall of last year they were gone, I was med free and working on building myself back up. I worked on the things the doctors recommended for the MDD, started using a bicycle machine for low impact exercise, doing Yoga for Fibro patients, and meditating – a LOT of meditating. I found some for insomnia so I could start sleeping again. It’s a battle, and I still have a long way to go, but I’ve come a long way too. I have to remind myself of that from time to time. The pain is still there, but the heat allergy is gone, the migraines have mostly subsided; they’re mostly just nasty headaches now, and the blackouts are gone. I still have bad days, especially when the weather takes a major shift, bad storms roll through, or the temperature suddenly drops, but I can usually feel them coming and plan accordingly.
The thing is, it seems like since I’m learning to manage it, and push through the pain, that those around me have forgotten I still have these diseases. They didn’t go away, just most of the nasty side effects. I still have Fibromyalgia, and arthritis, and Chronic Fatigue, and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and anxiety, and MDD. I don’t do crowds. I don’t leave my house unless I have to. The lockdown during 2020 didn’t phase me at all, seriously. I go to the grocery store once a week and I’ve learned which days and times are the least busy; that’s when I go.
But I’ve lost the sense of pride I had in getting off the meds and taking my life back, because those off days…I feel lazy again. I feel like I’m letting my family down again because I was in too much pain to do my normal cleaning, or I took shortcuts on dinner because I just wasn’t feeling up to it. I do my best to hide it and smile because I have a toddler that senses everything – if I’m hurting, if I’m sad, if I’m beating myself up inside over something I forgot or haven’t done, he’s right there asking “mommy, what’s wrong?” So I smile for him. I’ve learned to hide it for him, because I can’t bare the thought of him being sad because of me. In all honesty, he’s the inspiration, what gave me the strength to go off all my meds and to work as hard as I have been. He’s what gets me out of bed every morning. He’s the reason I hide the tears; he’s the reason I grin and bare it. He’s the reason I’m invisible.
My go-to guided meditation: Michael Sealey on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/c/MichaelSealey
Some Therapy tips: https://www.essenceofhealingcounseling.com/using-positive-affirmations-to-combat-anxiety-and-depression/
The Green Lady 