Building a lasting relationship

Relationships of any kind are difficult. They don’t come with an instruction manual or guarantee, and they are ever changing. All relationships require attention, and more than that they require honesty and trust. A successful marriage requires all of that and more, including a solid foundation.

Building a solid foundation to put a marriage on takes time and communication. Falling in love is easy, but creating a relationship that can stand the test of time is a whole different story. Just because you love each other doesn’t mean you can make a marriage last a life time. But there is lots of hope if its done right. Let me explain.

It’s kind of a back to basics thing. Your relationship starts off in the dating phase, those first couple months. This is the time where you get to know each other – the likes, dislikes, habits, opinions, and so on. You’re learning about what type of music you both like, movies, foods, hobbies, activities, what you like to do for fun, ever been married, any kids, etc. During this time it is of the utmost importance that you be completely honest – with the other person and yourself. You also have to make sure you’re listening to your brain at this point instead of your heart. It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship, but if the likes and dislikes are very different then there’s nothing to work with. You have to have common ground to build on.

The next phase builds on the first. By this point you’ve obviously discovered you have many things in common or you wouldn’t have gotten to this point. You also most likely are developing some feelings for each other. That is why this stage is critical as to whether or not the relationship continues moving forward or comes to an end. It’s also imperative that you keep those emerging feelings in check and do not move too quickly into a physical relationship until you’ve answered the next most important series of questions. This is where you get into topics like work/careers, future plans and goals, and what you both want or hope for in terms of relationships, marriage, children, etc. You don’t need to risk a pregnancy only to discover that this isn’t a relationship going in that direction. Doing so is the reason there are so many single parents, unwanted children, broken homes, and children that don’t know who their fathers are in our society today. We are a nation full of impatient souls lacking in self control, and frankly, self respect. Be patient, give the relationship time to grow, and figure out if the other person is even the right person before you go too far.

If you’ve come to this stage then there is definitely the makings of a good foundation here. By now you know the others’ likes and dislikes, have found many common interests, and know that you both are looking for and working towards common goals, personally, professionally, and relationship wise. Children are a common source of disagreements in relationships, and often a reason for breakups and divorce. If neither of you are wanting children then you will be discussing how to handle that during the next phases of your relationship. If you both want children then you will be discussing how far in the future, and how you will be preventing them from coming too soon. You will also be figuring out together a game plan on how to obtain those goals together, if some will be reached separately, and so on. This is also the time if you do plan to have children when you will discuss viewpoints on raising children, in terms of discipline methods, if religion is a factor, types of school/education (public vs. private vs. homeschooling), will mom return to work right after or wait until the child starts school, stay at home parenting ,etc.

But what if one of you wants children and the other doesn’t? This would be the time to figure out if it is a resolvable issue or not. If it, or any of the above topics about children are a source of disagreement then it needs to be worked out before you go any farther. Some things can be compromised on and worked out by honestly sharing your feelings and reasoning’s, such as discipline, schooling, stay at home parenting, etc, but others often cannot. Whether or not you want children is not something that can be compromised on or a test run done on, like trying staying home or testing out home schooling.  If the issue(s) cannot be honestly worked out then you need to consider ending the relationship. Waiting to see if the other will change their mind is not recommended. Neither is hiding your feelings or lying about being okay with the others’ choice. In the end the truth and true feelings do come out and all you’ve done is create more heartache.

You may have read all of this and be thinking “what a prude” or “did a minister write this??”. If so you’re partly right, I am an ordained minister, but that has nothing to do with it. I’m ordained for the purpose of performing wedding ceremonies, lol. I wrote this to help couples create and sustain meaningful, lasting relationships. The ones that grow, endure, and become loving, strong marriages, the kind that withstands all the storms and troubles life can throw at them. Those relationships and marriages were not formed on one night stands, unwanted pregnancies from having sex too soon, lies, selfishness, and a lack of trust. They are built on patience, honesty, sharing, love, and trust. The physical part of the relationship is built on the emotional and mental. The attraction for one another will last well past the time when the outer beauty fades if you both are in love with the inner beauty of the other. That’s hard to do when the relationship was formed on trickery and lies or out of a sense of obligation.

So there’s a start. Take a good look at your relationship and see where you’re at. See you next time.

Change…it’s all around us

Not everyone likes change; it scares some to the brink of anxiety. Yet others love change, looking forward to it with great anticipation. No matter how you feel about it change is inevitable. Change is everywhere and has been since the beginning of time. The very ground we stand on changes, the weather, the seasons, nature, people, and relationships; we are always growing, evolving, learning, living, and dying. The problem most often is not necessarily the change itself, but how we react to, or deal with the change.

Some people tend to be creatures of habit. We get used to the way things are, including our friends, family, work, and relationships, so when a sizable change happens we often don’t know how to react or respond. There is something new to get used to, whether its a loss or a gain. Sometimes its even hard to distinguish whether the change is good or bad.  If there is warning that a change is coming it’s sometimes easier to deal with – such as a move or a job change, or someone going away to college. In those situations you have time to get used to the idea and plan ahead. But in the case of a death or a relationship breakup you don’t always have that luxury.

As we grow older we learn that change is inevitable and is always taking place. Our interests, priorities, wants and needs change. As that happens our relationships tend to change as well. Ideally a couple will change together, staying on similar paths, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes one or the other decides that they need something different, something more or less. Other times the couple discover they were never really on the same page to begin with, and as time passes they drift farther apart. In those situations the reality that the hurt the split is causing may well have been prevented had this unfortunate reality been noticed sooner.

In any situation the fact is that a change has happened and it has to be dealt with. Fighting change seldom works and most often makes matters worse. The best way to handle any bad change is to try and find any good points, and consider that what seems like something bad now may end up being something good down the road; and understand that there really is a reason this change has happened, and in its time the reason will reveal itself.