Born too late

If you or someone you know is contemplating a mid/late life baby, I emplore you to not. I was one, and the older I get the more strongly I feel about this. I wouldn’t wish being one on anyone. Let me share with you why.

I will not say that people who have children late in life are selfish because my dad was the least selfish person I’ve ever known, and I’m 50. However, there was no consideration given to what my life, especially my adult life, would be like. Therein lies the problem. My mom was in her mid 40’s and my dad was past 60 when I was born. They both had grown children, dad had grandchildren. Que my childhood problems.

I had older siblings. All but 2 were old enough to be my parent. A couple could have been my grandparent. I was picked on in school because I rode the bus and shared a class – with my nephew. Our teacher thought we were lying and was actually twins. They didn’t understand some of my school work, especially algebra. They had no interest in extra curricular activities, like chorus, volleyball, or track, and most often were too tired/busy/uninterested to attend or take me to these things. They were frustrated with friends wanting to spend the night or asking me to. They didn’t like the music, movies, or fashion of my age group. They didn’t agree with the newer dating age or ways.

Don’t get me wrong, overall looking back now – I wouldn’t change any of it. I cherish the things I learned from my parents, especially my dad. They tought me valuable things that most other kids weren’t blessed to learn growing up.

As an adult, though, I don’t know if the tradeoff is worth it. I lost my dad when I was 23. My oldest daughter was not even a year old when he died. My other three children never got to meet him. They were cheated out of meeting that incredible man, of having their grandpa. My mom died when they were teenagers. Living out of state they never really got to know her either. I was 42 when she died. She isn’t here for me to talk to about midlife stuff like being a grandmother for the first time, menopause, and all the other things that women my age talk to their mothers about. She wasn’t here when my daughter graduated from college.

Then there’s grandparents. What are they? My friends all got to go to their grandparents houses for holidays, to spend weekends/vacations, etc. I didn’t. I had one living grandparent and he died when I was not quite 5. The other three were already dead by the time I came along. I didn’t have aunts and uncles to be the “fun aunt so and so“. I didn’t get to bake with grandma.

And with those older siblings I’m dealing with my siblings dying. I started out with 12, I have 3 left. One of them is 82. We have nothing in common except a parent. I’ve spent the majority of my life, near all of my adult life, feeling like a disconnected orphan. It’s part of the reason I moved hundreds of miles away and rarely visited. It’s been awful. I had 12 – a full dozen – siblings. I didn’t grow up with them. They grew up in an entirely different time. We had no common ground. They were adults with jobs and teenagers. Yeah I saw them at reunions, or when they came to see dad. It’s hard because I love them, they’re my siblings, but it’s different than when you grow up with them. I had one sister, she was 8 years older than me so I had her home until I was 8. I lost her when I was 40, she died from cancer. So I know the difference in the grief from when you grow up with them and when you don’t. It’s an entirely different pain/grief.

We’ve never had the all the kids going home for the holidays, the vacations/visits to each others houses, the get togethers, the birthday phone calls, the family photos. I don’t have any pictures of myself with my siblings from dad, and very few from moms. I look at old “family” photos and just feel sad and empty, like I didn’t belong. I don’t belong.

I’m blessed with my husband’s family. He doesn’t have siblings, but he has an amazing mom that has taken me in as her own, and I got to share his grandparents until they passed a few years ago. I’ve adopted his aunts and cousins. It’s helped fill a void somewhat, but its not quite the same.

I’m spending my adult life surrounded by death, especially with a large family. I lost 2 siblings and a sister in law in one year. My nieces and nephews are grandparents/great grandparents – I don’t know any of them. And my kids, they’ve been cheated out of a lot of the same things, especially the aunts and uncles. Fortunately they do at least have one set of grandparents.

So while the intention may not be to be selfish, please trust me when I say it is a selfish decision. You may get to enjoy a sweet little baby, but that baby grows up, and is left with the carnage. That baby deals with loss too early, misses out on SO much, and so do their children. Just because you can have a baby doesn’t mean you should. Be a foster parent instead. Help a child that’s already here and needs someone. The world needs foster families, it doesn’t need more children that feel disconnected, lost, and like they don’t belong.

Time to bridge the divide

I, as the owner and manager of two of my own businesses, and partner of a third, am saddened, disheartened, and disappointed in so many of the large corporations in America today.

From the day I started business school I was taught to stay politically neutral. You do not, in any way, take sides or get involved in sensitive situations that can in any fashion jeopardize the business or put it in a bad light, be construed as being racially, politically, or sexually biased, or bring harm of any kind to the company, legal or otherwise.

Yet here we are, in 2020, with conglomerates sporting racial protest jargon on their websites, television apps, grocery store chain pages, and so on. What in the name of all that is holy is going on?? Has the whole of corporate and political society in America lost their way? Do they have amnesia? Are they being threatened or blackmailed in some way that we don’t know about? I really am serious here, and let me explain why before you start calling me a racist or worse.

First, I’m not a racist, not that I really care what you think, because myself and my creator know the truth. When businesses and corporations jump on these bandwagons professing their solidarity, thinking its helping (as a marketing ploy gone terribly wrong) what they are really doing is creating a bigger divide than we already had to start with. What they do not understand by not seeing the big picture is that 1) not all black people appreciate it; some actually take offense to it. 2) They are alienating a portion of other populations, (not just whites).  3) those people that were neutral, that were understanding, sympathetic, but still sane are now going to the other side – getting angry and fed up with the whole thing. 4) In the end they will lose more business than they will gain, and may possibly gain some lawsuits along with it, as well as possibly making themselves a target.

Second, the political side of this whole racial thing is getting out of hand again as well.  Targeting historical monuments is not the answer, now, anymore than it was five years ago – obviously. Our nation’s history is just that – our history, for better and for worse. When we forget it, and our elected officials take it upon themselves to dismantle and hide it, we are bound to repeat it. Like it our not, painful or not, as long as those monuments and flags are still there we, as a nation are reminded of our history, of darker times, of  struggles and triumphs. And as long as we remember we can avoid making those same terrible mistakes again. Why do we have to look a statue of Robert E Lee and think of horrors? Yes, he was a Confederate General, but he was good one, not one that slaughtered black people. He was decent and fair. Why do we have to see the negative in these statues, memorials, and flags? Why can’t we look at them and see how far this nation has come? How far Black people have come, not just since the war, but since Civil Rights? We are a FREE nation. How these symbols are viewed is a matter of individual perspective. And frankly, why is this generation having such a fit about all of this and not previous ones? They would have had way more right to than anyone now.

At this point, one person’s viewpoint should not be more valuable than another’s. But if we remove all of these, history will repeat itself. No one is holding anyone of any color or race back in this country except the individual themselves. No one alive today is responsible for what happened in 1860, or what their ancestors did in 1860. No one is responsible for what their relatives did in 1960 or 1965. I can’t control what my family members do today, can you? I am only responsible for myself, here in the now and in the future, as are each one of you. It’s time to take down the blame, the hate, the resentment, and the divide, not our history. Let’s stop feeding into the media frenzy, and the corporate and political games, and as a society begin to take back our country together. Tell the corporate giants to take down their banners and stop broadening the divide. If they want to help try posting “Unite our Nation” or “Bridge the Divide”. Tell the networks to stop broadcasting only the worst clips of the headlines. Try showing the good. Try doing some follow-ups. Flood their stations with unifying stories; let them know you don’t agree with their agenda. Reach out to your local politicians. Flood their offices with letters and emails telling them you don’t agree with things; give them your ideas, thoughts, and opinions. Do so in a carefully thought out manner that they cannot ignore. Send in petitions. They work for you!! All lives do matter, and all votes matter!! All voices matter!! That’s how real change comes about, and at the same time throws the media and ignorant politicians on their …ears.

Let’s show Amazon, NASCAR, the media, Publix, and the rest of them that WE the PEOPLE – all of us people, are serious about positive change without tearing down our history so we don’t live to repeat it, and our children and grandchildren don’t live to repeat it. Be able to proudly show them the symbols and tell them how far we’ve all come – together.

 

Winding Roads…

I sometimes feel like my emotions and moods are taking me down a winding mountain road. Around one bend is happiness, smiles, and giggles, but around the next… it’s sadness, depression, feeling lost, unworthy; it seems like this road will never end.

For days on end I can be fine, yet others is that twisty road. There’s no rhyme or reason; sometimes it can be a comment or tone that triggers it, and yet other times – nothing at all, it just is. Still others a comment may trigger self reflection, then self doubt, and then it may go as far as questioning if those around me would be better off – more at ease and at peace – if I went away, lived somewhere else, where I wasn’t upsetting them. It’s rare that it gets that far anymore, but when the mood is right it happens.

I know it’s the depression and PTSD causing it all, but there’s still that little place in my mind that wonders, is it really that, or is it something else? Is this just me? It’s happening less as I’m working my way through all the demons, scars, and happenings that have been locked away for so long, not dealt with, but I never imagined it would take so long. I guess that’s what happens when life doesn’t give you time to catch up, it just keeps throwing more at you to deal with. As you work through it you start noticing things about yourself, see yourself changing. You eventually realize you’re not the person you used to be. You’re not the person those things happened to. Then you find yourself having to get to know the person you have become. In my case I’m learning that I’m even more untrusting than I was before. At times I even feel numb or cold, like I’ve forgotten how to open up or care of love. But I’ve realized that it’s not that I’ve forgotten how, it’s that I’m so guarded. I don’t trust anyone – like seriously no one. I doubt everyone’s motives and intentions, what they say, their sincerety, everything. It’s even worse with people that have broke my trust before. They may be completely sincere and totally honest, but to me I can’t trust them, and I’m not sure how they will ever prove to me that I can right now.

I’m just ready to not question myself anymore. Not second guess my abilities as a parent, as a friend, as a wife. I’m tired of asking myself if it’s me or the disease. I’m tired of taking things so personally; but when you literally question and doubt everything about yourself anyways everything is personal. Even when you know that the words are coming from an angry narcissist trying to hurt you – it’s still personal, because it’s triggering old wounds, tearing scabs off where it was almost healed, making that wound bigger and deaper, leaving a hole that may never completely heal. I know the reason, I know the intent and that its mostly not true, but when those words hit that nerve like a dagger, there’s nothing you can do. Those words can’t be unheard or unread; The damage is already done. All I can do now is remove that person from my life as much as possible, pull on my training to get through it, put my walls back up, at least for a while, and keep  reminding myself that I rose above it before, and I will do it again.

My new reality

Today has been one of those days. One of those you wish you could just be invisible with your ear buds in days. It was one of those days that you regret knowing how to speak… It seems like I couldn’t say anything right and most people were taking everything wrong.

I know I’m not exactly easy to get along with all the time. I can be a hard and difficult woman when I need to be, and sometimes it spills over to when I don’t necessarily need to be, but end up being, as a mom, usually when I’m not being listened to, or when I’m being disrespected. But today was just a hard day. We were celebrating Mother’s Day early because I wanted to spend it with my kids and two of them have to work on actual Mother’s Day, plus we have other family commitments on Sunday.

Problem number one is that I’m not good at taking time just for me or thinking of things that I want to do. I always end up thinking of things that everyone else will enjoy, or thinking of their schedule, etc. Problem number two comes in with remembering that they are all now adults. It’s not as easy to make a plan and carry it out as it used to be when they were younger. They have their own ideas on things and what they want to do. Some are old enough that they have their own issues going on in their life and these plans may just simply be an annoyance or aggravation to them. They may have just wanted to have dropped off a card in the morning and now I’ve guilt tripped them into a visit.

I wanted a drama free day, no stress. To them that might have translated to mom doesn’t want to hear about my problems today, she’s tired of listening and helping, or I’m just a burden to her. Which brings up problem number three – me overthinking things and being emotional or hormonal. It’s not something that I can easily help or do something about, it comes with my diseases and my age…Yay 😒.

It’s a learning curve for all of us really, but I guess I need to take the lead in the learning department. After all, it seems to be my mental and physical health that’s throwing out the curve balls. So here’s my first lesson learned that I can share with the rest of you: talk to your family and your kids, no matter their age. Take a vote, even annonymously, to see what they want to do for upcoming holidays. Be prepared to possibly not like the responses if they’re adults. Be sure they understand your thoughts and feelings if it’s you that wants the quiet time. Emotional communication is dangerous – try to do it on a good day or do it in writing where you or someone else can proofread before you send it.

Until Next Time,

The Green Lady

 

Torn

I always follow my instincts, they never steer me wrong. Over the years I’ve learned to listen when that inner voice gets loud and strong. It’s not always easy, especially where the heart’s concerned. It make’s you soft and sympathetic, and forget the lessons you’ve learned. You don’t see the flags and heed the warnings, you put past pain and troubles aside; you give chances that aren’t warranted, you let all your concerns slide. 

When the heart’s involved you turn a half blind eye and open yourself up yet again; you hold the door stand and pray that pain and sorrow aren’t walking in. But your gut instinct is telling you different, you feel it deep in your bones. Your head is screaming at you every time you’re alone. It’s reminding you of the warning you were given weeks ago. It’s replaying in your mind like a broken radio.  

So what do you do? Which way do you act? i wish i didn’t have to act at all. Do you let them in, do you take the step back, or do you just curl up in the corner in a ball? I have to make a decision so the corner ball is out. So I guess i’ll go with my heart this last time and see if change has really come about.  

 

Messages…

I’ll compromise and work with you, I’ll put my dreams on hold to make yours come true. I’ll work day and night, hard as I can, but I won’t lose myself, for anyone, again.

See, it’s taken far too long to find me. I wasn’t sure I was even still here. I’ve had to put the parts back together, and some are still not fitting quite clear. There’s a lot of broken pieces, chipped edges and corners, cracks and fractures. It would be so much easier just to fall back to where I was than to keep fighting and working on this puzzle that is me; I’m so tired, but I’ve come too far and worked too hard to get to where I am to turn back now. 

 

 

Love and hate in ER Custody

What do you do when you’re totally trapped between your head and your heart? I’m so much better at giving advice and helping other people than I am at helping myself. I’m even better at this kind of stuff when it’s more petty things like friends or ignorant confused adults, but this time it’s serious. This time guys and girls it’s my flesh and blood. I’m hearing every word my brain is telling me, and I know it’s right, but at the same time I’m hearing everything my heart is telling me too, and as a mom I just somehow can’t seem to tune it out either, even knowing how badly my heart is almost certainly going to break again.

Now that I’ve typed it out I feel so stupid too. What is wrong with me? Is it just being a mom that’s making me so crazy? Is it raising my grandson? Maybe there is some residual guilt there that I hadn’t realized? Or is it simply because of hearing those hurtful words from her so much this week? Listening to the “I hate you’s” and the “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you’s”. I just feel like I have too many raw emotions of my own to make any decision right now, least of all one that could have any affect on my grandson or his relationship with any of us. He’s the most important thing in any of this. He always has been.

I feel like my whole purpose in breathing right now is for him, to keep him safe and to see him smile, just like it was for her and my other children. Somehow I lost her along the way, and it now it seems to have become her mission to break my heart as many times as she can. But I think I’ve answered my own question, as best as I’m going to be able to anyway.

Don’t be afraid to comment on this. Give me your thoughts and opinions. Outside perspectives are often very helpful.

Brightest Blessings,

The GreenLady.

Mourning the living

I’m numb inside when it comes to you. You’ve literally crushed me and every single feeling, emotion, and attachment in any form I’ve ever had for you, to the point there’s nothing left. It’s all dead. There is no getting back anymore. Nothing can be rebuilt from where we are now, it’s just all happened too many times. Every single thing in life with you is like a soap opera. I can watch it all play out in my head. The beginning and end is always nearly the same, the middle is just changed around a little. But it’s ALWAYS the same. I’m lied to, deceived, used, walked on, then left in the cold holding the bag angry and heart broken kicking myself  for letting you do this to me yet again as you run off to make a complete and utter shit show as you always do.

You’re not a child anymore. You’re a grown adult and it’s time to stand on your own two feet and act like one. You are fully capable you just don’t want to. Well too damn bad. Stop making excuses, get over yourself, and grow the hell up. Your carefree child and teenage days ended when you decided you didn’t want to follow the rules, left home yet again, and had a child. From the moment you got pregnant your adult life kicked in. Everything stopped being about you at that moment whether you like it or not.

So you better figure out pretty damn fast whether you’re going to decide to do what you need to, figure out who the hell you really are finally, and learn to accept and love that person, or if you’re going to do what you always do, run away, avoid the situation, and leave me holding the bag to clean up your mess.

Friends? What friends?

I feel like I’ve been going in circles lately, working continuously to not get anything accomplished or finished. Part of it is stress, part of it is just life right now, things that simply can’t be helped or avoided. Still some of it stuff that could be helped, could be avoided, but isn’t, and that’s the part that is the most frustrating of all, and causes unnecessary stress and tension.

At the same time I’ve been reminded who my true friends and real family are, not that I had forgotten, but I guess I had been hoping that the rest had somehow seen the light.  I’ve been counting on my “friends” and family for support in the most minimalist of ways only to realize that it’s not going to happen. I sit here now questioning myself as to why I really thought they would. Nothing’s really changed over the years, no lights have gone off, no miracles have happened. They’re all as self serving and narrow focused as ever. It’s just reinforced that I am family to most of them in name only, and as to the friends…well, what friends?

I have two business pages to keep up with plus the businesses themselves, a home, a garden, my husband and kids, and now a grand-baby. I was trying to be on to keep in touch with old friends and family, but it has been very one-sided and I’m just not wasting any more of my time with it. I’m going to chalk that part up to something learned and move on.

As for the other part, well, some of the stress should be over this coming week. I also think it’s time to implement a new daily schedule; not just for myself, but for some teenagers in the house as well.

When the ties become frayed

Far too often we find ourselves overwhelmed, spreading ourselves too thin, for people who just don’t get the sacrifice that we’re really making for them. Still others seem to know the sacrifice, but feel they are worthy, that it is owed to them somehow,  with little to no regard for what it is we may actually be putting ourselves through for them. It can be hard to take when its a friend or neighbor, but it’s even more difficult to handle when it’s family. I’ve watched people close to me deal with this from both perspectives recently, and I saw what it has ultimately done to those relationships. I’ve had plenty of first hand experience with this myself over the years in both areas and recognized right away where the relationships were headed. It’s been difficult not being able to do much from the outside.

Sometimes in these situations its simply a matter of us putting ourselves in the predicament of over extending ourselves. We want to help and can’t bring ourselves to say no. At that point it’s no one’s fault but our own. All we can do is the best we can to get through it finish up if possible, and try to remember for the future. If it’s ongoing then we simply have to sit the person(s) down and explain that we just have too much on our plate and we have to cut back. If they’re a friend and care at all they will understand and appreciate what you have done.

Other times that’s not the case. Sometimes we’re guilted into helping, others times we offer, still others it just ends up happening somehow. Either way here we are. And no matter how hard we’re trying or what we’re doing it doesn’t seem to be enough, yet they are the victim, you are the bad guy, and your stress level is at an all time high. So what do you do?

Unfortunately in those instances we really don’t always have a choice but to just stop and say enough. No matter how hard or painful it may be we have to put an end to it at some point and  look after ourselves. We can’t help anyone if we are in a bad place too. Sometimes we simply have to accept that there are going to be those that we just can’t help until they are ready to help themselves. My daddy used to always say “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”. There’s a lot of truth to that and it applies here. You can help a person find a job but you can’t make them work and keep the job. At some point it’s up to them to take the reins and continue on.

So do what you are able and leave the rest up to them. Don’t feel guilty over their failure to follow directions, or sheer lack of respect or gratitude.  There are far more worthy people in the worl.d