Winding Roads…

I sometimes feel like my emotions and moods are taking me down a winding mountain road. Around one bend is happiness, smiles, and giggles, but around the next… it’s sadness, depression, feeling lost, unworthy; it seems like this road will never end.

For days on end I can be fine, yet others is that twisty road. There’s no rhyme or reason; sometimes it can be a comment or tone that triggers it, and yet other times – nothing at all, it just is. Still others a comment may trigger self reflection, then self doubt, and then it may go as far as questioning if those around me would be better off – more at ease and at peace – if I went away, lived somewhere else, where I wasn’t upsetting them. It’s rare that it gets that far anymore, but when the mood is right it happens.

I know it’s the depression and PTSD causing it all, but there’s still that little place in my mind that wonders, is it really that, or is it something else? Is this just me? It’s happening less as I’m working my way through all the demons, scars, and happenings that have been locked away for so long, not dealt with, but I never imagined it would take so long. I guess that’s what happens when life doesn’t give you time to catch up, it just keeps throwing more at you to deal with. As you work through it you start noticing things about yourself, see yourself changing. You eventually realize you’re not the person you used to be. You’re not the person those things happened to. Then you find yourself having to get to know the person you have become. In my case I’m learning that I’m even more untrusting than I was before. At times I even feel numb or cold, like I’ve forgotten how to open up or care of love. But I’ve realized that it’s not that I’ve forgotten how, it’s that I’m so guarded. I don’t trust anyone – like seriously no one. I doubt everyone’s motives and intentions, what they say, their sincerety, everything. It’s even worse with people that have broke my trust before. They may be completely sincere and totally honest, but to me I can’t trust them, and I’m not sure how they will ever prove to me that I can right now.

I’m just ready to not question myself anymore. Not second guess my abilities as a parent, as a friend, as a wife. I’m tired of asking myself if it’s me or the disease. I’m tired of taking things so personally; but when you literally question and doubt everything about yourself anyways everything is personal. Even when you know that the words are coming from an angry narcissist trying to hurt you – it’s still personal, because it’s triggering old wounds, tearing scabs off where it was almost healed, making that wound bigger and deaper, leaving a hole that may never completely heal. I know the reason, I know the intent and that its mostly not true, but when those words hit that nerve like a dagger, there’s nothing you can do. Those words can’t be unheard or unread; The damage is already done. All I can do now is remove that person from my life as much as possible, pull on my training to get through it, put my walls back up, at least for a while, and keep  reminding myself that I rose above it before, and I will do it again.

The new book is published!

Hello Readers! Well, in the midst of this doom and gloom I’d like to share with you all that my new book, “The Greenlady’s tips to Living a more frugal life” is now available to purchase! I want to thank you all for being so loyal and sticking around while I took some time away to get it completed and into the presses.

It’s chocked full of tips and ideas, all of which my family and I have done, and most of what we are still living by today. They became a part of our daily lives, the norm if you will, and even when things started improving financially with steadier work, a pay raise, etc. we just continued on as we had been and used the extra money to pay down loans and repair blemished credit. We saved up and paid cash for a decent car, and in June 2018 we finally became homeowners again. Our mortgage is less than we were paying for rent, which is sad because we bought the house we had  been renting for the previous 5 years! (Our landlord  was, well, not a nice man. Greedy is one word for it).

We’ve become so used to watching our shows when we want that going back to cable and live tv is annoying now, lol. We like being able to watch a program when it’s convenient for us, so even though we could afford to hook it back up – we don’t want to. My husband still takes his lunch most days, just eating out on Friday. I still make our handsoap and detergent because the kids even like it better. Commercial hand soap dries out my daughter’s hands, mine doesn’t. And now raising our grandbaby I don’ t have to worry if he gets through the cabinet lock and into the mopping cleaner – it’s vinegar and orange oil…nothing toxic.

So here’s the link: The Green Lady’s Tips to Living a More Frugal Life  

It’s available on amazon.com in print and on Kindle Unlimited. Thanks again for helping make it possible!

Brightest Blessings,

The Green Lady

Covid-19: The good & bad of frugal living during a pandemic

Hello readers. I hope this finds you all safe and well. By now you’ve all heard of this nasty virus that’s gone global and obtained the status “Pandemic”. I know that’s a scary word, but it merely refers to how far reaching it is and that some people, unfortunately, have lost their lives to complications from it.

So far here in the US the numbers are actually quite low. Our leaders had the opportunity to observe other countries and how they handled things, see what the disease was capable of, and note any mistakes made. They have thought before making rash decisions. So, by being proactive and making decisions and instilling regulations to restrict large crowds and gatherings we are able to hopefully slow the spread of the illness. There is no way to completely stop the spread, no way to not effect the economy and life as we typically know it; no perfect solution, but so far I think they’re on top of it and on the right track.

So how is this affecting the lives of preppers, homesteaders, and those of us living a more frugal life? Well, the true preppers I’ve spoken with in the Facebook groups I’m a member of all state they are doing just fine. They are all  well prepped so it’s not having much if any effect on them at all. Most homesteaders are doing just fine as well. Their daily lives are on a different road than most people, so a gain, they are typically fairly well prepared just in their daily lives. They grow and raise much of their own food and make many of their own products. So for those two groups it’s pretty much life as usual.

But what about us frugallers? Those of us that are working towards homesteading? Well, I at least am doing just fine. I am also very glad I started on this journey a few years a go.

I make my own bread, so it doesn’t matter if the stores are out, which near me they are. Much of the fruit was gone as well, but I canned applesauce, some pineapple, and peaches in the fall, as well as dehydrated some bananas, apples, and grapes. Meat cabinets were also nearing empty, but my freezers are holding enough to last us a couple months if need be. I’ve been canning meat lately, in the event the power was to go out. I’ve also canned soups, stews, and chowder bases. It’s also a convenience having these things canned. Nights when we’ve all worked late or there’s been something important going on, knowing I had dinner ready simply by opening and reheating a few jars…and it was homemade. I knew what was in it because I made it.

As for other items like cleaning and personal care, I make most of my own cleaning products like mopping cleaner, and it’s an all natural disinfectant. I also make our liquid handsoap,  laundry detergent, and toothpaste. These are all very simple to make, from basic ingredients that can be stored indefinitely. It’s become a way of life really. It’s not for everyone all the time, but in situations like this – they’re handy skills to have.

Until next time,

Happy Saving – and – stay safe out there!

Pandemic: Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Pandemic. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved March 17, 2020, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pandemic

 

I’m still here…

Hello dear ones. I apologize for my absense. Life came along and took over, in the form of an adorable toddler, and then my diseases, along with the holidays, and tragically…the death of our dearly loved Grandfather right before Thanksgiving.

The holidays just  weren’t the same as you can imagine, as they’ve always been centered around Grandpa, so losing him two days before a significant one, well, it was more going through the motions to say we did it than anything. It’s been an endless stream of family members we haven’t seen since Grandma passed five years ago popping in and out, voicing opinions, collecting their pieces, and leaving mom and us to deal with the important nitty gritty stuff, while trying to deal with the loss, and continue with our daily lives.

The thing is – you can’t truly begin to heal from the loss until all of the other stuff is settled. There’s just too many reminders. You’re going through photos, sorting out belongings, going through literally every aspect of the persons life; old memories come back, new things are often learned, and your emotions are kept raw and at the surface until it’s finished. It’s easier for some, for those that live far away, because they can come into town, give their respects, swap some stories, and go home and begin the healing process; but for those that are here, that are hands on dealing with every aspect of it, well, it’s a whole different story; A very emotional, painful story.

So that’s been a big chunk of my last few months; along with an arthritis flare up, a fibro flare up, and now we’ve added Acid Reflux to the mix. My Osteo Arthritis is progressing it seems in my hands/thumb area, and in my knee. My hands were out of service for a couple weeks. And now my grandson we’re raising has hit the point of being very active and turning into a true monkey! There’s nothing he won’t climb and nothing he is afraid of…a dangerous combination at 22 months. Needless to say, I don’t have a lot of free time, especially while trying to run a business.

Frankly, I  think I’ve been too mentally tired to think or form proper sentences lately, as my sleep habits have been deplorable. My insomnia has really been kicking up as well. Mentally I’m exhausted, but I just cant seem to wind down and turn off my brain to go to sleep. If I could stay on one thought long enough I could  get some writing done, but I can’t even do that, my thoughts just jump all over the place.

But bare with me, I’m working on it! Feel free to share  your stories and experiences with any of this too. It’s always nice to know you’re not alone!

Until next time,

The GreenLady

My new reality

Today has been one of those days. One of those you wish you could just be invisible with your ear buds in days. It was one of those days that you regret knowing how to speak… It seems like I couldn’t say anything right and most people were taking everything wrong.

I know I’m not exactly easy to get along with all the time. I can be a hard and difficult woman when I need to be, and sometimes it spills over to when I don’t necessarily need to be, but end up being, as a mom, usually when I’m not being listened to, or when I’m being disrespected. But today was just a hard day. We were celebrating Mother’s Day early because I wanted to spend it with my kids and two of them have to work on actual Mother’s Day, plus we have other family commitments on Sunday.

Problem number one is that I’m not good at taking time just for me or thinking of things that I want to do. I always end up thinking of things that everyone else will enjoy, or thinking of their schedule, etc. Problem number two comes in with remembering that they are all now adults. It’s not as easy to make a plan and carry it out as it used to be when they were younger. They have their own ideas on things and what they want to do. Some are old enough that they have their own issues going on in their life and these plans may just simply be an annoyance or aggravation to them. They may have just wanted to have dropped off a card in the morning and now I’ve guilt tripped them into a visit.

I wanted a drama free day, no stress. To them that might have translated to mom doesn’t want to hear about my problems today, she’s tired of listening and helping, or I’m just a burden to her. Which brings up problem number three – me overthinking things and being emotional or hormonal. It’s not something that I can easily help or do something about, it comes with my diseases and my age…Yay 😒.

It’s a learning curve for all of us really, but I guess I need to take the lead in the learning department. After all, it seems to be my mental and physical health that’s throwing out the curve balls. So here’s my first lesson learned that I can share with the rest of you: talk to your family and your kids, no matter their age. Take a vote, even annonymously, to see what they want to do for upcoming holidays. Be prepared to possibly not like the responses if they’re adults. Be sure they understand your thoughts and feelings if it’s you that wants the quiet time. Emotional communication is dangerous – try to do it on a good day or do it in writing where you or someone else can proofread before you send it.

Until Next Time,

The Green Lady

 

What is this?

I’m so tired of feeling like this, but what is –this?

Why am I always angry, on edge?

That’s not me, not who I am.

Why am I always sad, depressed?

I’m not the sensitive person that takes everything wrong.

I’m not the person that gets mad about every little thing.

I’m not the fret and worrier,

I’m not the sit and stewer.

I’m definitely not the mood swinger that I’ve been lately.

So tell me, what is this?

Why does it feel like I’m arguing with a whole other person inside my head?

Why does my mood change every time someone looks at me?

And why can’t anyone tell me why it’s only getting worse, a little more so everyday,

And why can’t someone tell me what this and why it won’t go away?

A night with my migraine

I sit here in the quiet,  wondering what is wrong with me. First I can’t handle the cold, now I can’t handle the heat. My body can’t regulate its own temperature now, and I get a weird type of hives. This is something all new to me, it leaves me burning and scratching for dear life.

My head and eyes can’t stand the light, Guess it’s good that I’m friends with the night. I’ve learned to walk with the shadows, and work by candle and firelight. But then comes the aura, and with it my little “friends”. All of the shadow figures I see; most are small animals, the rest are just random shapes, floating or bouncing, sometimes stretched out, others just completely distorted.

And still off in the distance I hear an old radio play. I hear the voices and music but I can’t make out quite what they say. I know I’ve heard it all before, though its been so long ago. I feel like I’m losing my mind, but I guess its par for course as some migraines go. 

 

Woman suffering from headache migraine pain at home on sofa. Health problem, stress and depression. Female holds head with hand. Concept of health.

Torn

I always follow my instincts, they never steer me wrong. Over the years I’ve learned to listen when that inner voice gets loud and strong. It’s not always easy, especially where the heart’s concerned. It make’s you soft and sympathetic, and forget the lessons you’ve learned. You don’t see the flags and heed the warnings, you put past pain and troubles aside; you give chances that aren’t warranted, you let all your concerns slide. 

When the heart’s involved you turn a half blind eye and open yourself up yet again; you hold the door stand and pray that pain and sorrow aren’t walking in. But your gut instinct is telling you different, you feel it deep in your bones. Your head is screaming at you every time you’re alone. It’s reminding you of the warning you were given weeks ago. It’s replaying in your mind like a broken radio.  

So what do you do? Which way do you act? i wish i didn’t have to act at all. Do you let them in, do you take the step back, or do you just curl up in the corner in a ball? I have to make a decision so the corner ball is out. So I guess i’ll go with my heart this last time and see if change has really come about.  

 

Dead but not buried

This is not the first time you’ve broke my heart in two. Walked away and left me here to mourn the loss of you. So painful and so cold, so silent and all alone. You’re out of sight, no where to be found, you might as well be in the ground.

But a few months later there you are again, just like nothing is wrong. After a while I let down my guard, and all too soon there’s another glass shard to the heart, and that same familiar tune begins to play… Before I know it here we go again, down the same damn road, and before too long you’ve got me to the edge ready to just explode.

Nothing really changes, the stories and lies just keep getting worse. I’m starting to feel like maybe one of us really does have a curse. But the fact is, I cannot continue mourning the living. I have to stop. I have to let go of  you, just as you have let go of me.

 

 

Messages…

I’ll compromise and work with you, I’ll put my dreams on hold to make yours come true. I’ll work day and night, hard as I can, but I won’t lose myself, for anyone, again.

See, it’s taken far too long to find me. I wasn’t sure I was even still here. I’ve had to put the parts back together, and some are still not fitting quite clear. There’s a lot of broken pieces, chipped edges and corners, cracks and fractures. It would be so much easier just to fall back to where I was than to keep fighting and working on this puzzle that is me; I’m so tired, but I’ve come too far and worked too hard to get to where I am to turn back now.